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ED CREAMER'S WAY OF THINKING
The following are a series of articles which have been published in the USMC - COMBAT HELICOPTER ASSOCIATION (POPASMOKE) newsletter over the last eight years. They are purported to be the life of one Fast Eddy as his mind wanders the various duty stations he has been assumed to. While they are supposed to be actual events that have happened in his life, his imaginary friends tell me that's not quite true. Regardless, I think if you were to grab your government issue monitor by its stacking swivel, head for your rack and relax, you'll find them to be a good read. And remember, be sure to put them back where you found them so the next person can read them. Listen Marine, these pages ain't no Sears catalog so treat them right.
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END OF SUMMER 1965: Part I
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In August of 65 the entire Marine Air Group -36 (MAG-36) boarded the U.S.S. Princeton, with all their helicopters, and left the west coast. While making stops in Pearl Harbor (for briefings) and Subic Bay Philippines (to on-load 5000 cases of San Miguel beer), we anchored off the coast of Vietnam on the last day of August. The one good thing we can say about sailing into Vietnamese waters on the 31st was it qualified us for $65 combat pay for the month of August. Oh, and we could mail letters for free. Big Whoop. |
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TALK TO ME
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By: Ed Creamer
Down the street from me is a former WW-II Coast Guard type. He keeps telling me he is older than the seas he sailed. I usually stop and talk to him for a few minutes when I’m walking my dog in the evening. But, last night, he told me, “Nobody wants to listen.”
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ALPHI AND ME (And the computer makes three)
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As happens every day, my dog Alphi joins me at the computer while I check my e-mail. He recognizes most of the sender addresses by their smell. Alphi knows cheap beer when he smells it.
At first Alphi thought all those people were a little strange. While I agreed with him, I did let him know they were mostly former Marines with poor memories needing both deodorant and therapy. That seemed to reduce the amount of barking for the time being. Then I opened up e-mail. Alphi reminded me those jokes were so old most had been around since before helicopters were invented. Alphi recognizes old jokes you see.
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DON’T YOU SAY A WORD
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Have you ever had your “for better or worse” give you one of those looks? I’m not talking about the normal everyday look she gives you when you place your muddy brogans on her nice clean deck. Or, even that look when you happened to be glancing across the room at the exact same time as this set of cleavage just happens to walk in front of you eyes aiming point. I’m talking about one THOSE looks that could cause a Protestant Chaplain to become a bartender down at the Staff NCO Club during Happy Hour. |
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MY KIND OF MUSIC
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Frequently I find myself turning the radio to a Golden Oldies station and let the past roll back in. Songs like the Buckingham’s “Kind Of A Drag” explained both my first and second tours of duty in Vietnam. |
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DID YOU HEAR THAT?
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Some years ago I read a novel, whose title I no longer can remember, by James Patterson. In it he quoted Winston Churchill who once said, “ There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result”. |
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C-Rations...A Love Story
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I have to tell someone. Keeping it a secret all these years has taken its toll on my sanity. You're the only one I trust and hope you will understand. Don't judge me too harshly.
I was an Avionics consultant on H-34's and had a contractual agreement with Uncle Sam. Not a difficult assignment, but it almost paid well. Their headquarters in D.C. had asked if I'd go look at some problems in a quiet little place called Ky Ha, VIETNAM. Wouldn't take long I was told. So, I booked passage on the Princeton and arrived late in August. It was a hot, dusty little town without one decent restaurant and no bar. Picked up my blanket and looked for an empty embarkation box to sleep in. That night, under the gaze of a floating flare and the gentle, rhythmic sound of M-60's, I slept. |
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HOW DO YOU FIX GRUB?
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I’m one of those who haven’t a clue as to how to cook up some grub. Now, I’m not saying I can’t supervise my long hair mess cook when she does. It’s just that they never taught us pot and pan nomenclature during boot camp. |
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BOARDING PASS PLEASE
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Recent budget hearings in Washington have led some to believe changes must be made in the Defense budget. As a result, in the year 2007, the Joint Chiefs decided to outsource some normally military operations to civilian companies. The below is an example of how troop lifts are projected to be handled then. |
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TRAVELING FIRST CLASS
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In the fall of 1965 the monsoon rains had not yet arrived in Vietnam and we were flying a lot of routine supply missions. Trying to get as many supplies out to the Vietnamese villages so they could pass them on to the Viet Cong. |
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MAKE MINE BEER
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Ben Franklin was reported to have said, “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy”. True or not, it’s doubtful he was talking about Lite beer. The only reason one drinks that is to get the kidneys in shape for the real thing. |
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THE GAMES BEGIN
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Having done some limited research on the subject, I’ve found one of the things that are critical to successful operation of any Air Group was DICE. There must be multiple pairs of those ivories to train personnel in the intricacies of wrist action evasion and mathematical refresher training in addition/subtraction of numbers up to six. |
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ONLY HOW MANY DAYS
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At my age, memory and sex drive are all I have left. Most mornings after trying to remember where I left my sex drive parked, I set my nameplate out on my desk. It helps prompt me into remembering who I am. You normally get better results when answering the phone with your own name rather than selecting one from the front pages of the newspaper. Confuses people less that way. However, since the month of November rolls around pretty often, I’m reminded of how a typical Marine family celebrates the Birthday of our Corps. |
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IN DEFENSE OF FREEDOM
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After waking up this morning and pouring my cup of coffee, I turned on the news. All the major networks were screaming out the news. The terrorists had decided to sit down with representatives of the Swiss government to resolve differences they had with the Western countries. While discussions were underway, a truce has been declared. The guns of war were silent. |
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YOU COOKED WHAT?
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I doubt anyone would ever use the phrase "fine dining" when referring to the mess hall. It isn't as if the food was ever really bad. It's just that most civilian health agencies would have quarantined some of the items we had to eat there in combat. The Center For Disease Control never did develop a vaccine to cure some of the dishes served. |
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CHU LAI CHIGADEROS
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In Sept of 65, a clandestine organization known as the LPA (Lt’s Protective Association) decided something needed to be done to make life more bearable. They quietly established a splinter group known as the Chu Lai Chingaderos. However, for those in the know, selection of that particular name can only lead to one of two conclusions. (1) They actually thought they were located at Chu Lai when in fact they were located at Ky Ha. (2) They had failed Navigation 101 and didn’t realize Chu Lai was a half-inch away on the trusty 1:25,000. Thus the term “give or take a few clicks” came into being. What with a “click” equaling a thousand meters on a Grunts compass when you turn it and hear the click. You’re following all this aren’t ya? |
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YOU WANT ME TO HAUL W-H-A-T?
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Somewhere down in Hell there must exist an H-3 (Hell's Operations) Dept., where they spend their days playing acey-ducey and odd manning to see who goes for beers. However, in their spare time, when they weren't enlarging Ann Margaret photographs, they'd dream up missions and have Heaven's Wing Staff forward them down to some pour soul picked at random from their "future arrivals" list. |
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WE LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY
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Those who’ve served in combat look upon death in a different light. There’s no disputing the end result is viewed as an earthly final for both civilian and combatant. However, the game of combat seems to place death on a slightly different plain for the participants. Also, to the surprise of life long civilians, the clash of government philosophies bring out an avoidance humor for the combatants unlike that of comedians. |
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HOW LONG DO YOU BOIL WATER?
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Have you ever found yourself wandering around your quarters looking for a recipe for toast or instructions on how to boil hot dogs? It’s not that I have a bad filing system or a bad memory. Like most of us veterans, when I was hungry, chow just somehow APPEARED on the table. |
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ROY AIN’T HERE NO MORE
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When growing up, cowboy movies were the thing. Most days they’d have a double feature and you didn’t have to hock the family farm for a box of popcorn. While Tom Mix and Hoot Gibson were a little before my time, we did have Lash LaRue with his famous whip. We’d watch him crack that whip and snatch a desperado’s pistol from his hand faster than the IRS can pick your pocket. |
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MY KIND OF MUSIC
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Frequently I find myself turning the radio to a Golden Oldies station and let the past roll back in. Songs like the Buckingham’s “Kind Of A Drag” explained both my first and second tours of duty in Vietnam. |
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GOT ANYTHING TO READ
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I’ve never been able to explain to my wife why men must have something to read in the 4-holer. I believe it’s part of our genetic make-up. Now, reading can be anything from old Permanent Change of Station Orders, Playboy editorials or even recent letters of indebtedness. Why women don’t understand this beyond me. |
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I CAN GUARD YOUR HAREM
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I get asked all sorts of questions in the classroom by high school students about Vietnam. Most often asked, “did you kill anyone?”. I normally give my version of, “there I was at 30,000 feet in a helicopter with guns a blazing,” story. Actually, I do own up to doing in a few mosquitoes. But, only those that got under my mosquito netting. |
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THE CORPORATE ART OF WAR
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Major corporations have decided “sensitivity training” is good for both employees and profits. But, what if Washington decided the same things was needed for our troops in a combat zone. Let’s listen in to see what such a session would have sound like. |
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MILITARY LATIN
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As I was cleaning out some old papers I had, I ran across a copy of a set of orders which ordered me to Vietnam. But, I noticed down in the corner under my acceptance signature were the words, Caveat Emptor”, ( let the buyer beware ). Not knowing why that was on my orders, I called the legal officer at Nellis Air Force Base. He said, “that means once you sign the orders, go to combat, and you get shot at while in combat, you can’t sue the government”. |
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WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
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I find there are times when doors open and memories sit beside me. Now that may sound like a strange statement to make. But I believe we all have those times. Times when our mind takes a breather from the rush of today and stops just long enough for an instant in time to remember. The times that caused us to live where we live. |
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THINGS I NEVER KNEW I KNEW
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As I grow older I find there are lots of things I never knew I knew. Things like, you’ll never, ever find a bikini in a combat zone. Actually, there was this one time when this supply pogue,,,,,. But, that was different. Regardless, bikini’s, you see, are not what one would consider appropriate attire for conducting emergency extraction missions. I mean no self-respecting crew chief would ever wear one and a flak jacket at the same time without shoes to match. |
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WHERE DID YOU SAY I COULD FIND THAT?
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There were a lot of things that related to my Marine Corps I never understood and was never covered in my copy of the "Guidebook For Marines". Oh, I know spending two pages to demonstrate how to position your thumb when rendering a hand salute is important. Why else would my D.I. have spent so much time attempting to break mine if it weren't? But, why were some of the important things we experienced in combat never explained. Were they classified? |
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AS EYE SEE IT
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Scheduling an appointment with your doctor is contagious. It seems, after so many tours of duty overseas, there’s no such thing as just one visit. Once you call your friendly flight surgeon and make your appointment, the Laws of Co-Payment For Retirees kicks in. While those laws vary from Champus to Medicare, they are like and similar to a corporation’s profit sharing plans where you contribute but don’t share. |
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CORNBREAD ARE ROUND
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I’ve never been one of those who complained about mess hall cooking. Most of what they served had an actual name and was no longer alive. Although, there was that time at Futenma, Okinawa when,,,,,,,,,, . Sorry! I promised never to discuss that one again. |
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 have been entertained here by Fast Eddy since 17 January 2007
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